the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
