Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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