how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
