i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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