Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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