if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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