last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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