I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I just googled if crying burns calories
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
