The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
