Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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