Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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