Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
