He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize