I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
