dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Randomize
