you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
