Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
