life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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