I wish my penis had an off switch
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She told me I should be a condom model.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
