We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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