If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
