You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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