In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
