Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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