My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
