So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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