chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You can't motorboat a personality
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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