I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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