I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
