Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
