i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
