Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Randomize
