nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
