I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just forgot I was standing up.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize