saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
