11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
