Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
