peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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