another moral hangover. fuck.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
