I faked an abortion last night.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
