just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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