Im at strip club and am horny
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
