yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
