Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
organizing the empties. That sober.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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