Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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