We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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