as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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