I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
