Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
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