it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
