a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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