The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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