life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
