i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
