I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
God, I missed his penis.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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