Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
