We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
