If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We left the knife in your bed.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
