five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
