i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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