Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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