I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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